Andrew Perron's Journal
Saturday, June 25, 2005
2:15PM - Just Something I Found
The Condom Cosmic! Created by gods of dark order to snuff out all life
on a world, this ancient artifact was thought destroyed within the
churning core of the young planet Earth 1,000,000,000 years ago!
The Infinity Sauce! A condiment created by a long-dead alien race,
which makes any type of matter so delicious and nutritious, its creators
ate their very planet away!
The Codex of Cosmic Collisions! A book that detailing the insurance
rates for colliding stellar bodies! Used by the Ultimate Assessor, it
contains premiums and interest rates that would drive mortals mad!
(No, don't ask me either.)
Sunday, April 10, 2005
4:28AM - Lincoln vs. Shoe!
"Bwahahaha!" the giant shoe with arms and legs cackled. "Once I press this button, my army of shoe-warriors descend and enslave the human race!"
"Not so fast!" Slam! A figure stood in the doorway, arms akimbo in righteous indignation.
"Abraham Lincoln's the name!" With a mighty shoulder-charge, the sixteenth President of the United States knocked the anthropomorphic footwear from the control console.
"Curse you, rail splitter! You shall not stop the plans of the Foot Soldier!" The giant shoe waved his incongruous hands, and a wave of malodorous magic struck the great emancipator.
"Hah!" Lincoln plowed through the arcane stench and grasped the Foot Soldier in both hands. Leaping high into the air, he brought him down with a thunderous double suplex, a clean KO.
Ten minutes later, a police car found the Foot Soldier tied by his own laces to a nearby light pole, with a note saying "For A More Perfect Union - Your Friendly Neighboorhood Abraham Lincoln".
Sunday, April 3, 2005
9:53PM - A Spring Day
The sun shone on the trees, who drank its radiation as if they had recently been imported from Pluto.
The sun shone on the birds, who began chirping the 231st canto of the "Hymn to the Sun-Lord Callimaufrax" from the best-selling avian holy book "Quiplerming and the Infinitely Crumbly Pastry".
The sun shone on the hills, illuminating peaceful meadows, shade-dappled groves, hidden valleys, and a few discarded beer cans.
The sun did _not_, however, shine on Arthur Roundabout Pretzel the Third. He took careful pains to maintain this, burying himself deep within the ground, eliminating all reflective surfaces, and relying entirely on geothermal power. He hated the daystar, hated the world it cradled in its breast. His lifelong dream was to one day be rid of it, and soon, soon - he would achieve that dream!
"At last!" he cackled. "At last I will be free of the penetrating light, free of the ever-open eye whose gaze tears at my soul!"
He stood alone within the cavernous chamber-- "For what human," he had once declared, "could stand the purity of my quest?" Lines of flickering flourescence illuminated a great metal column, the width of a city block around, surrounded by bank upon bank of humming computers.
He talked though there was no one to talk to, boasting to God and eternity of his plans. "It's so simple! The hated eye is far too massive to blow apart, nor could it be towed away. Indeed, the Earth itself could not be pulled from its clinging grasp - not with all the money and power in the world!"
"But, if I cannot make the world abandon the eye, I _could_ make it turn from its piercing sight!"
"With this--" He gestured to the mighty column, shining bleakly in the harsh light-- "I can tip the balance of the Earth's orbit, locking it through the Sun's own tidal forces. Forever, thus, shall one side gaze back into the hellish depths of the dawn - and forever, the other shall be protected, abandoning those depths for an eternal vision of the heavens!"
"While the stars are sweet..."
"Eh? Who intrudes upon my hour of triumph?"
"...everything, I think, must come in moderation." With this, a figure swung out of the lights' shadow, a bat, a bird, a streak of color that alighted on one of the great mainframes below. He smiled rougishly and waved to the darkness-bringer.
"So! One who struggles, alone, to hold back destiny?" He leveled the revolver his paranoia had provided.
"Never alone!" Another form swung from the rafters and knocked him from his aim. She landed next to the other, and they shared a confident grin.
"Bah!" spat Arthur Roundabout Pretzel the Third. "Did you think that I would leave meddlers such as yourselves out of my plans? Die! And in dying, suffer!"
The floor opened up, and he dropped. Neither heroic figure could catch him - but they soon had other matters to deal with. A soft vibration echoed through the cave, and it was picking up speed.
"He's already triggered the mechanism, Alison!" said the male, who crouched in front of a terminal and frantically typed.
"Can't you shut it down, Andrew?" The girl, meanwhile, was knocking out power sources and disconnecting relays.
Andrew shook his head. "He used these for programming the thing - he must have another set in his control room."
"What?" The vibrations had built to a deafening crescendo. "Then we've got to get down there before this place shakes itself apart!"
"Going somewhere?" A ghostly form floated through the walls, and solidified into a shorter girl. "Good thing I'm here!"
"Melinda!" they chorused.
"Hang on!" They each grabbed a hand, and passed through the floor, into the escape tunnel, along a corridor, and--
"OW!" The three of them fell back, returning to solidity again.
"What happened?" queried Andrew quizzically, while Melinda tapped at the offending wall.
"Bad news," she replied. "This stuff's a crystal lattice - I can't get through."
The door behind them exploded inwards. "Then maybe I can!"
"Oh, just you."
The boy strode solidly toward the offending wall. Flexing his muscles, he grabbed it by the seams and gave it a swift tug. It crumpled instantly.
Exposed in the sudden light, Arthur Roundabout Pretzel the Third cackled. "Fools! You cannot stop it now! No one can!"
Andrew grinned again, a smile with a dark edge. "No one - except you. Alison?"
"What? What do you think - wait - no - I - I - AAAAAGH!"
A few minutes later, after the weeping Arthur Roundabout Pretzel the Third had given up the control sequences and the doomsday machine had been shut down permanently, the team gave the obsessed man to the police.
"So," declared Andrew triumphantly, "we've saved the people of planet Earth. Now what?"
"Well, I need some help with my math homework," offered Kevin.
"You know, I think I lost a contact back in the cave..." "Oh, I'll go help you look!" "Hey, is that a demonic duck of some kind?" "Guuuuuys!"
Monday, March 21, 2005
11:21PM - Past and Future Liege
Okay. Nothing over the weekend, that's perfectly fine, that's on purpose... yeah.
The sky yawned, and out of the open mouth of space fell three tumbling figures, plus one who floated above them.
"Criminy, Squire!" shouted the tallest, clad in red and black armor, a sword strapped to his back. "Your *aim* sure hasn't improved in the last forty years."
"You're the one who said 'bring us back'," the hovering figure said, form obscured by crackles of bluish energy. "We're back. It's not exactly easy to navigate across the hyperthreads out of the Big Crunch! And I'm Super-Squire now, Paul."
"Yeah, yeah..." The large one stood and dusted himself off. "Well, *whoever* you are, I just got one thing to say... Thanks." He smirked up at the man.
Next to him, a young woman almost as tall as he and dressed smilarly spoke up. "Yeah, thanks! You really saved our kidneys back there with your leet skills."
"You did well yourself," said a green humanoid in a tight-fitting costume of black and gold. "Truly, you're worthier to hold the name Knight Errant than I ever was."
"Ahahaha... no, really."
"He has a point," smiled Paul. "I'm glad someone like you is still around to uphold my good name."
"Ah, well..." She shrugged. "What else am I gonna do on a Saturday night?"
"Speaking of night, sunset is quick approaching, and we don't want you out of your proper time for too long," said Super-Squire, gesturing to Paul and the alien.
"It seems that this is our bus, Knight," said the green-skinned one.
"Yep. You take care of yourself, y'hear?" He patted her on the shoulder.
She grinned rougishly. "You too, old-timer."
He laughed, and waved as the three floated into the air. With a crackle and a boom, they were gone.
She sighed, and smiled. Everything old is new again.
"I just hope we didn't alter the timeline... again."
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Just under the wire!
"Ho, what is this!" screamed the green mage. "Treachery?"
"Nay," echoed the ethereal voice of the golden figure. "A warning! In unity, you survive! In discord, you perish!" With that, it disappeared, and the battle was joined anew.
The red mage screamed and launched himself at the sodden, bleeding things about him. As the flames that coated him like armor lit upon their oily skin, they exploded, leaving only black gunk and rusty hunks of metal.
The blue mage curled his nose. Barbaric. He could not deny the effectiveness, though. His fingers flicked out, weaving a web between him and the encroaching forces. But what had the figure meant? Could it be as simple as it seemed - fight together and win, fight alone and lose? Surely not. With a gesture, a row of the enemy disappeared into thin air.
The white mage rallied, silvery sword swishing through the air, striking true with every swing. He would have thought the figure's words obvious - but then, looking around at his companions, he may have been the only one. Could he hold them together long enough to defeat these fiends' master? And if he did... what would happen after?
The black mage smirked, choking mists fogging out of his breath, spreading out to spread foulness among the foul. The golden figure was perfectly correct. Only by unifying with him would any of the others stand a chance.
The green mage fought amid a miniature army - spirits of life battling the personifications of death. "Do you hear those words?" he shouted above the clanging din. "We are of one purpose! Hear me, ye foul beasts - we are your DOOM!"
And with that, they were gone.
The five looked about them. The battlefield was empty but for themselves.
"The cowards have run!" shouted the red mage. "We are victorious!"
"No," said the white mage. "Not while their lord and master lives."
And they all felt a chill, as they looked at the dark fortress ahead.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
10:59PM - Just Another Day
This one introduces some characters I've been fooling with for awhile, the Agents, and their world.
Mira sighed. Just another day.
She chewed idly on a pen-cap as she checked the monitors. Nothing happening on the security cams - which was a good thing, she supposed, but still.
She looked up. "Oh, hi Kory."
The gangly young man waved. "Any assignments for me?"
Mira shuffled through the messy stack of paperwork. "Mmmmm... nothing new. Patrol, et cetera. Oh, and did you get the samples from that explosion downtown?"
Koryuden Sandwich nodded and waved a briefcase. "Just got back from that. I'm gonna drop these off at the lab, then go out on patrol."
"Okay. Talk to you then."
"Yeah." As he walked away, a pseudopod of dark-blue matter extruded from his shoulder and waved. Mira laughed, and waved back.
As one door closed, another opened, and out walked a sweaty girl in a regulation leotard and headband. She hummed cheerfully as she checked her ornate watch.
"Staying on-time?" Mira said.
"Hey, how could I not?" The girl grinned toothily. "Take care of the milliseconds, and the hours will take care of themselves."
"Who said that?"
"Uh... dunno." She shrugged. "But my time's down and my strength is up! Who cares!"
Mira rolled her eyes, but smiled. "Sure, Violet. Good to hear."
Violet grinned again, then sprinted off, almost knocking a dignified-looking older man on his rear. "Sorry!"
He shook his head, watching her retreating back. "Well, she's getting better."
"Oh?" asked Mira.
"Yeah. This time, she missed."
Mira chuckled. "And what brings the great William de Selphon to this humble shack?"
He leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. "Just seeing what my favorite peasant was doing."
"Not much, really. It's been slow."
"Does that worry you?"
"A bit. They might be building up to something... or they might not." He raised his hands to the sky. "We can't do anything but wait and see."
She smiled. "Don't let it get to you, hun."
He returned it. "Good advice well-given. Has Koryuden returned yet?"
A nod. "He said he'd be in the lab."
"Excellent. Anything else?"
"How's Charcoal doing?"
William held out his arm, and a shadow slithered across it, covering the human skin with a smooth surface of deep gray. "He's just fine, aren't you? Recovered nicely from that last battle."
"That's a relief. When I first saw..."
"Indeed. But we returned in time." The grayness disspiated. "So, nothing to worry about."
"Mmmkay. Well, then, mister, you've got work to do!"
William saluted. "Yes, sir!" Executing a snappy about-face, he marched off into the maze of officed. Mira waited until the door closed to break out in giggles.
She sighed, with a smile. "Just another day..."
Monday, March 14, 2005
11:36PM - Sneaking...
Sneak, sneak, sneak!
She surpressed a giggle as she parted the flower petals in front of her. The white patches on her green tunic blended perfectly with the garden, her footfalls were silent in the loose soil, and her size made it easy to hide beneath the canopy of blossoms. This time, she would succeed!
The tiny girl crept between the stalks. There it was - an ivy lattice, straight past the bedroom window. Carefully, she slipped behind the wooden crosshatching.
This part wasn't going to be so easy. Just take it one step at a time... hand over hand... foot over foot. Beads of sweat broke out on her forehead. Her fingers shook, but she continued to climb. She very pointedly did *not* look down.
And... there! She threw herself on the windowsill and just lay there, panting. Whew.
After a minute or two, she pulled herself up. Okay. The window wasn't open... but it wasn't locked, either. Of course, if someone walked in while she was opening it, she wouldn't be able to duck down in time, and... well, best not to dwell on it.
Nevertheless, the reward was worth the risk. Gripping the decorative Baroque frippery along the edges, she tensed her muscles and pulled. There was a tiny creak... yes, she could feel a slight motion... a jerk, the edge rolled up, and she rolled under.
Inside! Some part of her hadn't thought she'd make it this far.
There, on the dresser - hidden in plain sight. The arrogance! But it was only a few feet away now.
Suddenly, a creak floated in under the door. There was someone coming! But it was too late to back out now!
She ran towards the sealed jar, gleaming in a faded world. Each of her footstep was matched by one from outside. She was almost there... she could just touch it--
And as the door opened, and the fairy of childhood dreams faded under the withering stare of adulthood, the jar fell, and cracked, and there came a cacophany, and laughter was released back into the world.
3:30PM - Decision
I've decided to begin using this as a place to write fiction every day.
yes, I'm well aware I've said exactly this before and then done absolutely nothing about it.
Monday, May 31, 2004
2:58AM - Listen, bud...
|Ununnilium may actually be a spider-human hybrid|
"May". Heh heh heh.
Saturday, May 8, 2004
Another meme! Which is pretty much all I ever post here, but hey. `.`v Questions ya~!
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?
Thursday, April 29, 2004
You are a GRAMMAR GOD!
If your mission in life is not already to
preserve the English tongue, it should be.
Congratulations and thank you!
How grammatically sound are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Finally, I have found my calling in life! u.uvvv
Friday, February 20, 2004
Finally, I have been infected by the virus known as "LiveJournal Interview Meme". FEAR! merryperseis hath interviewed me, and I shalt respondeth!
1. If you could live in any anime universe, which would it be?
Hmmmmmmm. Probably... wherever Utena and Anthy went to at the end of the movie. Or Guu's stomach, which I suspect is the same thing.
2. What sort of legacy would you like to leave when (or if) you die?
I'd like to be known as the best fiction author who ever lived.
3. What are five things you'd like to accomplish over the next five years?
a.) Write and publish a novel
b.) Graduate from college
c.) Find someone with whom I can share my life. ~.~
d.) Go up the Bridge (in Scientology).
e.) Build a huge house that all of my friends can live in.
4. Who were your role models growing up?
Gonzo. Specifically the younger version from the Muppet Babies.
Also, Thomas Edison, Terry Pratchett, Cope, Marsh, and Spider-man.
5. Did you kill that fat barkeep?...wait, no. Do you ever suspect that the universe is really a cold and indifferent place, in spite of the presence of platypi, Guu, and celery soda?
Mmmmm... yes. When I was younger. At the time, I wasn't totally sure that the entire universe wasn't a simulation by some alien species.
Nowadays, though, I think differently. `.`v Mostly because I know that what the entire material universe thinks is incredibly less significant than what I think.
...and that's pretty much it. `.`v Disappointingly short after Percy's, I know, but...
Want an interview?
1) Comment here
2) I'll reply to you, and give you five questions
3) Post in your journal the five questions and the answers
4) Include this at the bottom!
Wednesday, February 4, 2004
...Well, I guess there's only one thing to do.
CELERY STAR POWER! MAKE APPU!
Sunday, November 30, 2003
11:29AM - Ah, much better. ~.~
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
YOU ARE UBERGLOMPABLE! Congrats, for you have
reached the zenith of all glompability. You're
cuddly, loving, soft, and all those wonderful,
glompable characteristics. *glomp* ^__^
How Glompable Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Just so you know, I have assumed dominion o'er the world entire. Plans to build an amusement park on Mars by 2011 are proceeding apace.
Monday, October 13, 2003
1:00AM - Yet Another LJ Test
Saturday, September 13, 2003
You are the Fifth Doctor: Your youthful exterior
belies your centuries of experience, and even
you have a bit of difficulty rectifying these
two aspects of your personality. You are
compassionate, introspective, and deeply
troubled by injustice. If you occasionally seem
to display more vulnerability than your
predecessors, it's probably because you're more
openly human than they were. Are your
companions finally rubbing off on you?
Which Incarnation of the Doctor Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Interesting. Unfortunately, I've never seen any of the episodes that feature this guy, so... >.>;
Thursday, September 11, 2003
9:06AM - More Quization
You're a gryphon. You're very powerful without
needing to brag about it. Creativity is one of
your strong suits. Your outward personality may
change drastically according to your mood,
which is not always a good thing. You're a
loyal guardian when you choose to be and you're
aligned towards *good*.
What mythical beast are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Iiiiiiinteresting. `.`v *destroy!* *um, not destroy!*
(I refuse to post my answer for the Famous Feline quiz. I mean, *SYLVESTER*!? O.o)
Tuesday, September 9, 2003
My inner child is six years old!
Look what I can do! I can walk, I can run, I can
read! I like to do stuff, and there's a whole
big world out there to do it in. Just so long
as I can take my blankie and my Mommy and my
three best friends with me, of course.
How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla
Best quiz *ever*. ~-~v *goes off to ride his pterodactyl to Mars*
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